friday in the afternoon, 3ish

mailed resumes yesterday, and one actually called me back today. I was all excited, then I discovered how much money I would be making, and got discouraged. How far I would have to drive, or take the bus.

Wrote the beginning to something today, partly because someone who I idolize, told me they were a fan of my work. And, well ... that's why.

Just finished watching Chocolate, loved it. And, am preparing to watch Pollack. I'm expecting there will be lots of tears shed. Although, I'm listening to POE's Haunted CD, and I dont feel much like turning on the tv. Also picked up an old favorite book called Narrow Rooms, by James Purdy. It's the very last one on the page, but damn I love that cover. It's just feels so raunchy, and yet it's a tender love story.

early in the morning of the 7th

I am still up, having just put together yet another resume. Yes, I am going to actually go out and apply for a job. Times have gotten wickedly ugly again. I wont go into everything, but suffice it to say, it's time for me to work again.

And, also it's time to get a car, I've got my license back so all that's holding me back is finding something to drive that I can afford and that I can get insurance on.

It's getting to be early morning, and I want to get into Thurgadin, even though I should be going to bed. I also need to come up with a new look for bg.com, since I put it on my resume, stating that I am the owner and designer. UGH, what have I done?

posted today, happened a few whiles ago, just found and added it

It’s 5:25 and this is me before I take the "Waterford" as J__ so nicely put it. I called in sick this morning to B&N (I was!) We’ll see if my writing changes any. I’m antsy I want to try this stuff, it’s been sliced and cut into two lines atop my vampire book. Two lines of new energy fabricated for pleasure? Last time I cowered in a corner as two men had loud sex in the middle of my apartment. The loneliness I experienced apparent. Here we go!

I want to do this, but as I put the paper to my nose my eyes zero in on the lines and I pick up this pen. Up the right nostril and my eyes are watering. A little water down my nose and the acidic feel slides down my throat and tears flood my sockets and a tingle glows at the base of my neck. Here I go with the left side of my head. That side a little more painful. Water blurs my eyes and more medicinal smells flood my senses as if I swallowed paint sludge. My initiation with J__ consisted of a "Drink lots of water and if your like my friends you’ll talk a lot" We’ll see about sexual feeling cuz I haven’t had any. Willing to get money out of checking account and about to screw up my life all over again. I’m fucked up. Why do I do this shit to myself? I’m documenting the fact I took this stupid drug and I’m calling everyone to tell them I took it. S__ told me it was basically speed and it will keep me up all day.

3 in here. One reads and two write. We watch as the dancer cleans and struts across the concrete floor. My coffee is finished and my bowels are ready to be released. I’ll leave the writer and the reader to their own worlds as I make my way to the Gold Coast for a beer and a fart. To get away from the chola music. I’m takin the last of the whatever it is so I wont be tempted again. I can’t throw it away. I would rather throw it into my system then the sewer system. I’m gonna snort it again. It hurts but it’s direct. It’s 12:27 and I don’t expect to go to sleep. My car is in a great spot so I don’t expect to move it. I think Ill go to a meeting tomorrow maybe the g&L if I get off in time. Pretend. I had to work the opening shift. My pen is odd in its movements it writes like a paintbrush. I’ll just go to the morning meeting. I guess we’ll see how I feel tomorrow. Don’t forget to call those sponsors. Especially K__ the lawyer & body builder. Get his eating regimen; gotta go take the shit now! Bye! I’m in the house it’s 12:35. Just put some on my gums, odd taste that’s all. It wasn’t ¾ of a gram I did the other night. I’m so bad at drug lingo it was a small chunk G__ broke up. I put it into 2 lines and he dipped his finger into it and I snorted. Two more lines at 5:30 on 7/8. I want to stay up. I have 3 lines left. Scratch that... 4 lines. 2 thin and 2 thick. Upstairs he walks around. I have to stay awake or they’ll be killed. (for my short story about apt 21.) I’m gonna do the thin lines.. Here come the tears are they an effect of the pseudo placebo effect. I have some left I wanted to take it all. I didn’t talk much tonight I was inward. I wrote a lot of nonsense that word comes up a lot in my diatribes. This stuff doesn’t give hallucinations, unlike acid and it doesn’t make you hungry like pot. Energy and a dry mouth & peeing. I’ve had to pee a lot. Not very horny in my dick, mostly in my mind. My heart does speed up, but not much. I gotta leave my car where it is great spot If I have to get out, walk.. Good exercise. So all I ate today was a bag of cookies, chips ahoy and ½ a bag of M&M’s. I want to be a bottom to be whipped into submission, tied in bondage and bit in a lot of places ------ the horniness is rumbling my toes and tingling my nose is running and I cant catch up. I just drank a line in my water. Odd taste, not as violent or foreign as snorting it. I’ve got to do this to experience it. R__ would understand, most people won’t. You out there who are addictive know that you can’t stop something your in the middle of. However I so often fish for compliments or never finish anything I start So, this will be a first for me. Who will be mad at me? E__, A__, M&D, L__? Actually I bet everyone would be mad at me if I were to die while doing this, most of all myself. Because I would not have finished my big story. If fearful symmetry can be a book than Erick Recommends can attempt. I’ve got to send a proposal to the LA Reader to do a weekly installment. Sort of a book review in a book. Books that are old and forgotten, something to shed light upon them. My weekly suggestion to sit down & read. Let your mind discover new worlds, old lands, and romance horror & funny obscure tales. Life, love in another era. Tomes of poetry that make you cry, think & laugh meals of an undiscovered nature. Recipes of words w/S&P to taste. All chosen by that elusive Erick. I will discover books and things about myself I never knew were possible. All this through books and my search for Erick, to thank to hug to meet and to love. In the end we’ll all be the wiser for having explored these new arenas of knowledge and open our hearts & minds to something new.

How should I tackle the rest? One last snort or on my gums. They’re already bad should I tell BK? Yes I should. Find out why I did why I did this. I’m finding out about myself. Frankenstein reaching out & I’m not looking where I’m going and not making sense. I must go there someday the words are running together and I’m still not making any sense. All the coffeehouses are closed only Ralph’s is open. I hate LA that everything is closed. Part of me wants to cry, buit part just wants to write obviously the part that wantes to cry is in charge of the spelling cuz nothing is don write. That should be done right. Charmain lying in the garbage because no one would take her home. Should I drive to Insomnia cafe? They are open till 4am. 7 days a week. Someplace to write & read. I have to write the characters for T__ & S__ and flush out J__’s. Till 4am I hope to be up all day and night at least till I get home by 10:30 on Tuesday night. I should offer to give W__ a ride home. My car is clean. It’s only 2 dollars after 6pm. 1-6 is 5 hours. So, if I park in the mall for 3 that would be 1-4, move to structure on break. Then move to structure on dinner. I think of T__ when I snort. Because he use to do cocaine all the time. Maybe this is just speed and not Waterford at all. Or just that its probably Mikasa or Libby that it its Libby glass not Waterford crystal at all but what would I know having never done it before. Its weird whatever it is and I kinda like it I’ve heard some say its cheap, others claim it to be expensive and still others just the right price not to sleep, not to cheap.

My arm is beginning to hurt. But my mind is alert and I have no hunger pains. I decided to snort through a 20 it should be will be my last. The water is ready. Go. Wow those were powerful. I think it was just aspirin. Chewed up and I was liked to. I snorted Excedrin I know it. That was all it was. Willowbark or salix. I could take Mah Whang or however you spell it to get the same up all night feeling. I should try it again someday and compare the feelings. I haven’t wanted to clean or move furniture, just write. This placebo effect had gotten me to journalize all that has happened to me. Since Friday nite. I don’t know how many pages but I’m always running out of room. When I get a new idea to write down. A lot of what’s in here are directions for me to do.

Friday the 3rd, around 2ish

POE is a genius... of course most of you probably already know this. I have needed to get this into my head, to move forward and get on with thing I call life.

That's just fucking overdramtic isnt it? Well, I need to get a car and get a job and just stop playing around. Get serious and move on is basically what I'm saying.