From last night copied from notes

I can't really describe the pressure in my chest as I get closer to the building. It's close to a vomit like feeling. An hour early and food is out of the question. Again, I have to piss like a race horse. See boy, yes that's an actual experience, not just something I made up.

Sitting here trying to find the right sub music, have listened to country, alternative and finally ended with classical. The meeting is at 8pm, I'm way early. I had to go through this big ordeal just to get into the complex talk to a guard, get a pass for my car and all that.

Now I sit here nervous and hot. Trying to believe I can do it. I'm insecure about so many things. My weight, my small penis, my normal abnormalities.

Two men have noticed me, yet why am I so scarred? So scared I cant even spell. So Frightened? about what? I'm frightened that I'll never succumb to what most of these submissives have achieved. That terror is what has kept me from succeeding in so many arenas. My writing, my non-existant love life, my loss of a job, my desire.

Ok, I'll leave at 7:30, don't want to seem too eager, also don't want to be the only naked guy in the center of a room for thirty minutes.

And why is this really scary. I mean I've been with men before, hell men who've seen me naked, felt my skin, told me I was soft and they loved holding me. So why can't I love holding me?

Actually, I'm leaving ten minutes earlier than I'd intended as I want to, hell I have to pee.

Got there...It was so not what I expected. Where I pictured everyone to have perfect bodies, there was only one.

So, I stood in the hallway, my right hand clutching the address, my left hand hovered over the door. Then I stood back, took a deep breath, tried to convince myself I didnt need to be there. I leaned forward and knocked. Maybe they weren't home. But, I stood back once more and thought of everyone I had told that I was coming here. Pictured each one who could hug me, hugging me and thinking about me. If you didn't do any of that don't worry, because I made it. I actually followed through with something I said I would do. I rang the doorbell, and boy pup answered the door. This sorta pudgy naked guy, with a coller greeted me and welcomed me.

I walked into the apartment and there were five average looking guys, sitting naked around the floor, including the guy who parked in front of me(the gorgeous one). I asked to use the bathroom, peed, washed my face and then it dawned on me. I was really here.

Now from the sound of this you probably thought it was this easy experience getting to where I was. But a million thoughts bombarded my head, on my way there, I stopped at a big and tall store, so I would have a nice outfit to present myself. However, the meeting would be in the nude so what did it really matter. The accomplishment for me was actually standing in the middle of that room, clothed. Another time, and I would have just excused myself, but everyone was so natural. Yes, I took everything off and sat with my back against a leather chair. And looked around.

All ages, all weights, all looks, all submissives. It wasn't a play party, it was a place to discuss what it meant to be a submissive. Why we felt we needed this life, who were bad masters, where to find masters and to meet and have someone to talk to. I spent most of the night not saying anything, just listening. Awed by the men around me, impressed with the tattoos, the piercings, the collers and the relaxed attitude.

Realizing that this life was something I wanted to be involved in more and more. And, I actually spoke, brought attention to who I was, talked so other men, naked men saw me and laughed at things I said. And, I wasn't uncomfortable.

And, I followed through.

tonight 5ish

just sat down, thinking I need to be more secure in my insecurities. However, after I look at it again, I'm not certain I get what it means.

ok, leaving now... please keep me in your thoughts... or pray that I go through with this.

Wednesday 5ish

Listening to: Stereolab's Emperor Tomato Ketchup

Well, tonight is the first time I will be nervous about going to something in a long time. I'm sitting here, with tears in the corners of my eyes. I keep thinking, what if I get there and they all just laugh at me. What am I thinking? Because I had one Bondage experience, I have the right to call myself a slave? I just know that everyone else there will be in serious relationships, or in the scene, or doing more than I ever dreamed of.

To top it off, everyone will be in the nude. Which I tell you is just a whole nother thing. I tried to come up with some nifty saying, but I couldnt remember if it was tomatos or wax... anyway. That's the one thing that's bogging me down. And, this is the Joe Petty train of thinking. I'm getting ready for it, starts at 8, and I've got nothing fucking to wear. Then it dawns on me what does it matter, we are gonna be naked.

I've not been around, because I've been tied up in so many things... unfortunately not in rope, but stuff. I'm thinking if I can come to grips with this submissive side of me, I can find out whats holding me back in so many other areas of my life.

A friend just asked what I've been up to. Truth be told, I've been playing EQ and Majestic. But, I've also been looking for a job, working on entering books... looking at old things I've written and worked on a couple of them. Spoke with a game designer about a story idea in connection with the game, worried about this. Worried about the fact that our next door neighbors are assholes and are harrassing us. Wanting to leave this place where I live with my parents. Wished that I had been more interesting when I was in highschool. Watched movies, just saw 5 senses, loved it. And the Gift, loved it and the deep end, loved it.

Anyway, I've gots to go to the bank and get ready for this thing tonight. I told one of my friend I'd smuggle a camera in my sweater, and then she reminded me that I was gonna be NAKED!